Sunday, March 14, 2010

Identity Crisis

There comes a point as a mother that you're forced to stop and think about who you are. Pretty much everywhere I go I get lost in my daughter's identity. At times I treat her as an extension of me...I feed myself, so it's time to feed my baby...I need a nap, so it's time for Charlotte's nap. And since she can't speak for herself yet, I tend to make up what she'd like to say, or rather what I think would be most adorable of her to say. I've even used her to "ask" my husband to do things. "Daddy...I really reallllly need a diaper change. Daddy- do you want to feed me some peeeeaaaas?"

Other times, I let her be my identity- and I'm more like an interpretor. Perfect strangers see us in the store- and it sometimes seems as if all they see is a baby suspended in air by a faceless prop.

"Oh what a cute baby- OH! Look at those eyes! You're such a sweety, yes you are! Yes you are!"

I could be standing on my head and holding her with my feet and they would still only be aware of that adorable baby. The only time they need to acknowledge me is to find out more about said baby. "How old is she?" (or he...we get that a lot for some reason- probably because I'm not a pink fanatic) "What's her name? Oh is she always this good?" (That particular question I will save for a later discussion.).

Anyway, there are times that I truly enjoy losing myself in my baby. It is simpler that way. She's totally my security blanket, and as long as I have her with me there is no reason to talk about one bothers asking if I'm in college or what I plan to do with my one probes into my past or cares if I'm wearing makeup or not. If I arrive somewhere late...they just smile at my baby and nod with understanding. And people tend to ask similar questions so I get into a routine of answering. "Yes she's eating solids, no she's not sleeping through the night anymore... and my goodness we're as shocked as you that she has blonde hair."

So even a deeply inrospective person like myself can do a little less soul searching...a little less dreaming about the future...a little less constructive self critiquing. But I need to- because that baby is eventually going to speak for herself...and slowly grow her very own identity. And I want to be a mom that teaches her how to be strong and independent. I guess that means I should be too.

1 comment:

  1. Carrye, this is really thoughtful. I feel like reading about how you cope with motherhood is preparing me for when I have little Mini Kinnes.